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Bar News - November 19, 2004 Book Review: Insights From Should You Marry a Lawyer?
Book Review by Betsy Black Should you marry a lawyer? Hmmm… the question summons the phrase "Caveat emptor." Is there a reason I shouldn’t marry a lawyer? With just the right blend of credentials and a no-nonsense approach, author Fiona Travis, Ph.D. has created a well written, digestible psychological look at lawyers as life partners – their behavior, proclivities and the work world they occupy. She’s been married for 40 years to a lawyer (now a judge), has worked with lawyers and their families as a therapist for more than 20 years, and isn’t afraid to tell it like it is with verve, sensitivity and humor.  Who should read this book? Lawyers, their spouses, and anyone considering committing to a relationship with a lawyer. This book can be used as a bridge-builder for couples in which one or both partners are lawyers, and for couples in which the non-lawyer spouse doesn’t understand the rigors of legal practice. The book is easy to read; I read it during a very long flight. Except for an ugly cover illustration, the book is well designed with interesting and relevant drawings, and lots of pull-quotes from clients and experts, sidebars, and lists of strategies and analyses. The breakdown of topics makes it easy to move from section to section and the many anecdotes and resources provide relevant insights. Topics include the intriguing "How to Argue With Your Lawyer," "Billable Hours Were My Husband’s First Priority," and "The Price of Success: A Word from the Chief Justice." (Reprinted on the following page, along with an example of a helpful chart.) The author notes that many spouses of lawyers find the traits that drew them to their mates are the very ones that aggravate them to no end. She maintains that there is a lawyer profile honed by training in law school and reinforced by the practice. Lawyers are analytical, responsible, conscientious, and assertive — all critical traits for a relationship. However, these traits emphasize the use of the head rather than the heart, a tendency that’s not so helpful for building a loving connection. Additionally, lawyers’ assertiveness can translate into downright aggressive behavior. The book addresses the difficult topic of managing a household that includes two busy wage earners or one busy wage earner and a stay-at-home parent. Lawyers tend to work excessive hours. Before committing to a relationship, Travis and many of those she quotes, suggest discussing and negotiating honestly and precisely about how available the lawyer will be for family time. There are some wrenching quotations from children including eight-year-old Jane, whose mother is a lawyer. "My mom is not home very much and when she is, she sort of isn’t." In a fast paced world in which parents pace the sidelines of their children’s soccer games fielding work calls on their cell phones, and answering work emails at home, it’s no surprise children find their parents are cranky. Another child aptly notes, "I think my mom is stressed out. She’s always hurrying around looking angry." Travis offers helpful observations and parenting tips such as checking in by phone to keep abreast of the children’s daily activities, and focusing on being present and undistracted when spending time with children. While I agree that the profile Travis ascribes to lawyers is accurate, I’m not sure the profile is unique to lawyers or that all lawyers match it. There are many driven, aggressive, focused, ambitious people working in other fields. They and their spouses might benefit from the book as well. There are also laid-back lawyers who are able to survive and sometimes happily thrive in the profession. However, Travis’ main premise that we can learn from the stereotypical lawyer is on point. In the end, Travis offers hope that you can be a successful lawyer and a loving spouse, caring parent and a healthy human being. But you need to be thoughtful and diligent about identifying and executing your priorities. As Gabriela notes, "My husband and I are both lawyers. He’s missed a lot of birthday parties and other family events because of work, and it irritates the heck out of me. I prefer the ’10-Year Rule of Parenting.’ I ask myself whether, in 10 years, it will matter to a client if I miss a meeting. The answer is ‘probably not.’ But will it matter to my son in 10 years if I was at his baseball banquet? Yeah, it will." Ultimately how lawyers channel predominantly "Type A" personality traits into creating saner and more loving relationships (and happier lives) is no small task. But that’s a topic for another day.
Betsy Black is a former attorney who now practices as a life coach helping lawyers and others achieve greater career satisfaction and life balance. She also teaches yoga, stress management and counsels nonprofit organizations. She can be reached at 228-6195 or at betsy@betsyblackconsulting.com; Web: www.betsyblackconsulting.com From Should I Marry a Lawyer?
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