In many ways, being a lawyer is a lot like being in the mob. It's over-glamorized, and it's almost impossible to get out of it. And while two years ago I was able to make my great escape from practicing law, it seems that forces are continually at work to bring me back into the fold.

In fact, just this month, a law firm called to offer me a job that I didn't even know I had applied for. While flattering, this was an offer I had to refuse. After all, I generally view legal work in the same light as I view parenting my children: Somebody has to do it, but it darn sure isn't going to be me.

Interestingly, this isn't the first offer of employment I've received since retiring from the law, and I don't think it will be the last. For some reason, I'm now very attractive to legal employers and receive offers of employment on a regular basis. This is ironic because when I actually wanted a legal job, I was turned down more often than an IP lawyer at a singles bar.
So why the reversal of fortune? Well, it certainly isn't because of my legal prowess. To put it kindly, no one will ever confuse my legal skills with those of F. Lee Bailey (or Beetle Bailey, for that matter). My newfound success in the legal job market is attributable to one factor: I don't want a job in the law.

Like everyone else, lawyers find most attractive what they can't have. Therefore, if you're having trouble getting a job in this tough market, it may just be because you're too eager. Instead, you might want to try to play a little hard-to-hire.

For example, you may be pursuing your first job by sending cover letters and resumes to the hiring partners at the law firms of your choice. In today's market, this tactic is likely to be as productive as a worker at your local department of motor vehicles. By sending out such a letter, you send the worst possible message: "I want to work for you!"

A much better approach is to send a postcard from Hawaii or some other exotic locale. On the back of the postcard, you should handwrite something like:

"Dear Hiring Partner (or whatever you call yourself these days), I was just sitting on the beach sipping mai tais and thought that perhaps I would brighten your dreary day with a splash of color. Now, if you will excuse me, it's time for my 2 o'clock massage." Aloha!

"P.S. Here is my cell phone number if you'd like to hear the waves crash against the sand on my voice-mail message." While this ploy may seem outrageous, it will get results. You'll be given a job just to ensure that you don't send the hiring partner another annoying postcard. After all, the last thing that a partner in a law firm wants is to be reminded that other people have lives, particularly those who were also foolish enough to attend law school.

Another job-hunting technique is to attend local bar functions. However, instead of walking around handing out your resumé and generally making a pest of yourself, play it cool. Stand in the corner talking on your cell phone and occasionally yell something like, "Two million measly dollars? For a project of that magnitude? Are they crazy? What do they think I am - a lawyer?"

This will undoubtedly raise a few eyebrows. However, it won't raise nearly as many eyebrows as when you loudly yawn and then walk out right in the middle of the boring luncheon speech by some rambling judge. You can then wait in the lobby to sign autographs and receive job offers from your adoring public. Well, at least from those who were still awake at that point in the judge's speech.

And even if you're already gainfully employed in the law, you can use the hard-to-hire approach with potential clients. Although it might not seem like it, clients are people, too. As a result, they're just as susceptible to wanting what they can't have, which in this case, will be the services of your firm.

Therefore, instead of writing potential clients with the standard spiel that your firm stands at the ready to do their bidding at a moment's notice, send the following letter:

"Dear Potential Pain-in-the-you-know-what,

"We've been reading in the paper lately about how much trouble you've been getting yourself into, and we'd like to wish you the best of luck with whatever unlucky law firm you choose as your counsel.

"Although we have the ability and resources to pull your bacon out of the fire, we're simply not desperate enough to spend the next few years in such close contact with you.

Nevertheless, we wish you well and invite your executive staff to call us once they get out of jail."

You'll be surprised at how fast these clients call you to get you to reconsider your decision not to represent them. And even if they don't call, you'll have the pride and satisfaction of knowing that you didn't have to beg for business that you weren't going to get anyway.

In legal marketing (as in marriage), apathy is the best medicine.

Reprinted by permission from the ABA Journal eReport, Friday, August 27, 2004

Sean Carter is a "Humorist at Law" who comments on law-related news on his Web site, www.lawpsided.com, and at speaking events. A graduate of Harvard University School of Law, he practiced for several years in Boston and, though he is not practicing now, remains a member of the California Bar Association. He can be contacted at lawpsided@msn.com.

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