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Bar News - October 7, 2005 Court’s Corner--Parenting Planning: The Key to Co-Parenting After Divorce By: John D. Cameron Divorcing parents (and unmarried parents who are separating) are not just any two litigants brought to court by an accident or alleged wrongdoing. They are litigants who have been, and will continue to be, in a relationship due to the children they share. The quality of that relationship, now being restructured due to the divorce, will have a deep and lasting impact on the emotional and psychological health of the children. Consider my use of the word “restructured” in the context that divorce is not something to be “sued” about (to use an outdated term in New Hampshire, but still used in some other jurisdictions), but rather an event in which the family is seeking to reorganize. People apply for, not sue or petition for, a marriage license. Why not look at divorce as a family applying for reorganization? A fitting analogy is a Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Under Chapter 11 a failing company can still run its business as well as control the bankruptcy process. A Trustee is appointed to represent the interests of creditors and insure that a plan of reorganization is developed so that the company can emerge from bankruptcy, often in a restructured form, and continue to do business. Committees and creditors develop the reorganization plan that, once approved, is confirmed by the court and the company then carries out the plan. In divorce the failing “company” is the marriage. The Court is the Trustee. Taking this approach with divorcing parents, appropriate professional resources as needed assist the family in its reorganization and the development of the reorganization plan. The plan, conceived in an environment, not of trial procedures and adversarial processes, but of cooperation with the common goal of prioritizing the needs of the children, is responsive to the unique characteristics of each reorganizing family. It recognizes that, although “reorganized” in terms of the marital relationship, the “business” of being parents must be salvaged and perpetuated. This plan, if you haven’t already guessed, is the parenting plan - the key to helping families ensure that children receive the attention needed from divorced parents; the vehicle to promote the children’s emotional well-being as well as to facilitate a more humanistic, family-based and child-focused system for divorce. What is a “Parenting Plan”? There are a number of somewhat similar definitions available for “parenting plan.” Basically, a parenting plan is a detailed articulation of post-divorce (or post-separation if the parents are unmarried) parenting responsibilities. It goes beyond the basic custody order that specifies which parent will have “custody” and which parent will have access to, or “visitation” with, the children. It addresses the specific functions of parenting and distributes responsibility for those functions to either or both parents. Why a “Parenting Plan”? Most parents are not prepared for the experience of divorce: in addition to the inherent emotional experience of divorce, the legal system and the divorce process can be very intimidating, resulting in parents who feel powerless to control their own or their children’s lives. It is no surprise that divorcing parents are usually immersed in turbulence and upheaval. It is a time of high-energy emotion, a time when parents often need encouragement to focus on the task of post divorce parenting when they are otherwise overcome with issues pertaining to their own survival. A parenting plan would require parents to consider parenting as a continuum after divorce, acknowledge the ongoing nature of parenting functions and provide for the division of responsibility for those functions. Under the “old” system of custody and visitation, parents or courts too often cast in concrete the basic parameters of a parenting agreement without full consideration of the inevitable change in both the parents’ circumstances and the children’s growth and evolution. The fact that the future holds uncertainty and even ambiguity means that parents who will commit to a child-focused post-divorce relationship need to think and act with shared expectations and identified roles and responsibilities. Parenting planning can help parents formulate and resolve important issues and challenges that co-parents are likely to face after divorce or separation. It can help parents continue to contribute their individual strengths to parenting as they cooperatively raise their children. Not only can parenting planning help parents be much more effective in a changing, possibly even unfriendly future, but it can minimize the potential for future conflict through the mutual effort and preparation for what lies ahead. What do we mean by “planning” anyway? Planning in the parental context is an ongoing, disciplined process of fundamental decision-making and action that will shape and guide the co-parenting effort into and through the future. It is a continuing process because change is continuous and inevitable. The importance of planning is not in written plans (which, of course, represent and memorialize the planning process) but as the basis for the plans. The written part of the plan contains only that which is necessary to understand and perpetuate what the plans are. The greater part of the complete plan is intention and action. “Plans are nothing. Planning is everything.” Dwight D. Eisenhower Why is this different from today’s stipulations/orders? An order or stipulation is probably more related to contract theory than to planning. Generally speaking such a document represents a decisive point that forms the basis for the parenting relationship for as long as there are minor children. The implication is that of a stagnant and inflexible document blind to changing circumstances and unwieldy when modification is appropriate or desired by one parent or the other. Historically custodial orders and stipulations have had little emphasis on cooperation, flexibility, and process of modification. And worse, there has been the implication that one parent possesses (has custody of) the children and the other parent gets to borrow (has visitation with) the children on some periodic basis. Planning, on the other hand, requires mutual involvement and cooperation, consideration of future change and contingencies in the face of change, and a view beyond current circumstances to future circumstances. In short, it is a fluid, dynamic ongoing process that reflects the unique circumstances of each family and fosters substantial and consistent participation of both parents in the lives of their children following divorce or separation. Parenting planning is visionary. “If you don’t know where you are going, any plan will do.” Peter Drucker Parenting planning involves creating a vision of a co-parenting future for the divorcing or separating parents, and then establishing the criteria the parents will use to chart their progress toward this vision. “Instead of worrying about the future, let us labor to create it.” Hubert H. Humphrey The parental vision must be a “vision of successful co-parenting,” and planning determines how it might be achieved. When guided by this vision, qualitative shifts beyond a simple projection of today’s circumstances into tomorrow take place, enabling the parents to look for and prepare for changes and surprises. “Where there is no vision, the people perish.” The Book of Proverbs Planning must be flexible. There is danger in merely projecting the present forward incrementally. With the change of pace accelerating as children grow older and as parents move on with their individual lives, parenting planning should be clear about both current relationships as well as ends, but flexible as to means, leaving room for adaptation to changing conditions and circumstances. “It is a bad plan that admits of no modification.” Publilius Syrus Sound parenting planning will keep all options open so parents can respond promptly and effectively to unforeseen situations while enabling them to maintain a sound and consistent co-parenting relationship to the benefit of the children. Successful Parenting Planning Parenting Planning succeeds most when: • The parents, not the courts, champion the process thereby prioritizing and perpetuating the relationship of the children with each parent. • The parents agree on the vision of co-parenting, and what is expected from the planning process, then create the plan. • The parents are brutally honest with themselves and with one another in identifying and respecting individual parenting roles and the critical issues that require effective mutual action. • Developed criteria are mutually acceptable, practically workable, and best-interest-of-the-children sensible. • Outside expertise is enlisted to help with or guide the process as needed, such as a co-parenting counselor or a parenting coordinator. • A process of non-adversarial post-divorce conflict resolution is identified and agreed upon to reduce the risk of litigation over post-divorce parenting issues. In Summary Parenting planning is a disciplined process with which parents can produce fundamental decisions and actions to achieve their vision of successful co-parenting after divorce or separation. In this changing and sometimes hostile world, the norm is not continuous progress, but turbulence. Parenting planning is one way parents can look for and prepare for change in their and their children’s lives, including new trends, discontinuities and surprises. Parenting planning helps divorced and separated parents build on strengths and take advantage of major opportunities while minimizing or overcoming weaknesses and threats. Parenting planning can facilitate communication and participation between parents, accommodate divergent interests and values, and foster orderly and cooperative decision-making that leads to a harmonious child-focused co-parenting relationship. References: Co-Parenting After Divorce: How To Raise Healthy Children in Two-Home Families, Diana Schulman, Ph.D., WinnSpeed Press, Sherman Oaks, California, 1996. “Parenting Plans: A Concept Whose Time Has Come,” Robert Tompkins, Family Court Review, Volume 33, No. 3, July 1995, Sage Publications, Inc. John D. Cameron is a lawyer in Laconia. He is a member of the Family Law Task Force. |
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