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Bar News - October 21, 2005 The Etiquette of Sympathy: What To Do When Colleague, Co-Worker, or Client Suffers a Loss By: Lydia Ramsey
I was nearly home when my cell phone rang. The call was from a friend who had stopped by to visit Hank and who had become alarmed when there was no response at the door. I drove into my driveway with the lights of the EMS truck flashing in my rearview mirror. On May 11th I lost my warm, wonderful, gentle husband. Within a three-week period, I had become both a grandmother and a widow. As I attempted to get back to life “as normal,” I found that grief had its own timetable. When I was able to write again, I decided that I needed to address this issue that confronts everyone at some point, personally and professionally. It is often difficult to know what to say or do when someone dies. I want to share what I have learned that may help when someone you know—a client, a colleague, a coworker or a friend—loses a loved one. It is important to do something. Many of us are so uncomfortable with death that we don’t do anything at all. We are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Attend the funeral or the memorial service if you can. Your presence offers inestimable support. Even if you can’t speak directly to the family members, you can sign the book that they will read through over and over again, and they will know you cared enough to be there. Write a note as soon as you can. Personal notes of condolence are a source of great comfort—more than you can imagine. I was moved by the ways people expressed their sympathy. There were those who simply spoke of their sincere sorrow for my loss. There were those who described what Hank had meant to them personally. Others wrote about the character and personality of this special person I had lost. I was grateful for each and every note. Commercial sympathy cards are equally cherished. It was clear to me that the commercial cards I received had been carefully chosen. Each one came with an additional sentence or two written by the sender. Be sure to take the time to add a short personal note. Send flowers unless the family specifies otherwise. Send them to the family, the funeral home, the church or the gravesite. Flowers add warmth and are visual reminders of the support of friends. Flowers and personal gifts continued to arrive in my home weeks later to confirm that neither my pain nor I had been forgotten. Take food and other items for daily living to the house. The last thing the grieving family can think about is grocery shopping and meal preparation. A thoughtful neighbor called me and said, “I am going to the grocery store. What do you need?” My response was a baffled, “I have no idea.” This kind, generous person filled her car with everything from fresh fruit and vegetables to paper towels and toilet tissue. She even included pet food for the four-legged members of the family. Make a contribution to the charities indicated by the family. Honor the wishes of the deceased. Give to the causes they chose unless the obituary states that contributions should be made to the donor’s favorite charity. If you missed the funeral notice and don’t have that information, call the funeral home. They will have a record. Be specific when you offer to help. Most people say, “If there is anything you need, call.” While their intentions were genuine, I didn’t always know what I could ask certain people to do. When our assistant rector uttered those words, my face must have flashed back a message that said, “Like what?” because he immediately followed with a verbal list of all the things I could call on him or other church members to do. One neighbor offered to walk the dog. Another claimed to be handy with household repairs if anything broke down or stopped working. Someone else volunteered to pick up family members from the airport. Once people were clear on what they could do, I knew where to turn without hesitation for what I needed. Make a note of the date of the death. Honor the anniversary with a note or a phone call that says you haven’t forgotten. It is not necessary to do or say something grand. Any gesture you make is comforting. A simple word, a hug, a phone call, a card or an offer to run an errand are just a few ways to express your sympathy. Keep in mind that great authors, poets and thinkers have written for centuries about grief and loss, searching for just the right words to console themselves or someone else. When all is said and done, there are no words. Sometimes the best you can offer are the words, “I’m sorry.” I hope that what I have learned firsthand will help you to reach out with confidence and ease the next time someone close to you suffers a loss. Lydia Ramsey is a business etiquette expert and the author of Manners that Sell—Adding the Polish that Builds Profits. Contact her at: www.mannersthatsell.com. |
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