Bar News - October 4, 2002
A Life-Planning Reading List for Divorce Litigants and Their Attorneys
By: Clydia Allen Turner
A Life Planning Reading List for Divorce Litigants and Their Attorneys
TOO OFTEN, FAMILY litigation is fraught with the effects of emotional chaos due, in part, to a client's (or the attorney's) exclusive preoccupation with changing the opposing party as the sole solution to conflicts in the divorce.
The purpose of selected readings for clients in divorce litigation is threefold: (1) to marshal the parties' energy and resources on positive life-planning issues that are essential for a healthy transition in divorce; (2) to enhance the client's understanding that he or she is experiencing different stages in the divorcing process, which are common and predictable, and to provide information about the predictable consequences of their ability (or inability) to empathize with the feelings of other family members (especially children) and pattern their own conduct appropriately; (3) to inspire clients to move from negative discussions centered on "the other" or on the past, to positive planning for themselves and their families.
Attorneys who are not cognizant of the client's need for life-planning as an integral part of their divorce representation are susceptible to adopting the dysfunction of their clients by being preoccupied with "the other." The attorney's conduct then with the opposing attorney and the court can needlessly mirror the client's paralyzed emotional stage in the divorce.
The selected readings highlight the importance during the litigation of life-planning issues in the attorney-client relationship. Regardless of the age, gender of the client, length of the marriage, accumulation of assets and debts, ages of the children, or the legal issues in conflict in the case, the client will need to address four major life-planning issues:
- How to parent his or her children to ensure their health and growth.
- How to work to support herself and her family.
- To assess whether family of origin issues have negatively impacted his adult relationships.
- To determine if unresolved mental health issues have resulted in substance abuse, violence, depression or financial irresponsibility that has damaged others or contributed to emotional chaos for themselves, their partner or their children.
If the purpose of domestic litigation is for the client to divert attention from his or her issues to an exclusive preoccupation with how the other party will answer these life-planning issues, then the process of divorce is likely to be lengthy, contemptuous and have an unsatisfactory result. It will be damaging to the children because the result at litigation will not meet the basic needs of the family.
This is not to say that the opposing party should not be held legally accountable for acting as a responsible parent, paying child support and/or alimony and for an equitable division of property. This is to say that holding the opposing party to his or her legal responsibility is only half of the work necessary for the attorney and client to reasonably prepare for trial or to successfully settle the case. As every practitioner is aware, there is a legal divorce and an emotional divorce, which rarely coincide. Attention to each, however, can prevent either the legal or the emotional divorce from derailing the other.
Attorneys should not hesitate to refer clients to counseling with specific goals during the divorce process. If the counselor is working with the client on the same life-planning issues, then the attorney has the benefit of the client's processing life-planning issues with a professional at the same time the attorney is working toward achieving those goals set in counseling. If, however, the counseling is consumed with the past, the client's viewpoint and goal-setting in the divorce may be limited to monitoring the other's performance as the objective in the litigation. The following readings will enable the attorney and the client to communicate with the counselor about the parallel work needed to provide positive perspectives on the client's life-planning journey.
- "Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building A New Life" (Revised Edition) by Abigail Trafford. Harper Perennial 1982, 1992
Through descriptions of families in various stages of marital turmoil (deadlock, confrontation, separation, on the edge, relief/disbelief, deep shock, anger and depression), Trafford "identifies the common phases in the evolution from marriage to separation to divorce, and eventually [to] a new life." Most helpful to litigants because it reveals "they are not alone in their pain and confusion," it is a book that inspires attention to issues of recovery and emergence of self in the wake of divorce. It also addresses issues of how to minimize damage to children during the divorcing process.
- "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melodie Beattie, Harper San Francisco, 1987, and "Beyond Codependency and Getting Better All the Time" by Melanie Beattie, Harper San Francisco, 1989, 1992
This author redefines codependency as "A person who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior." Not divorce books per se, but rather these are self-help books that explain in simple terms the concepts that we cannot change other people, only ourselves; that when we control other people, we are controlled; and that we do not have to take other people's behaviors as reflections of our self-worth. They also teach the act and the art of detachment. Beattie's books contain practical instructions for affirmations of the self that can substantially increase a client's ability to face pain ful issues in the divorce and flourish in the process.
- "Leaving the Enchanted Forest" by Stephanie Covington and Liana Beckett, Harper San Francisco, 1988
Co-authored by a specialist in dependency, this book identifies relationship addictions and dysfunctional family systems. It also links family of origin assumptions to adult patterns of behavior in relationships. A guide for clients to discover their economic, social, emotional, and intellectual needs, it also contains simple exercises to help identify dependencies on alcohol, sex, drugs, gambling or relationships. It clearly delineates the difference between an intimate versus addictive relationship.
- "A Hole in my Heart: Adult Children of Divorce Speak Out" by Claire Berman, Simon & Schuster, 1991
Sometimes starting at the end of a problem can lead us to discover new ways to address the solution from the beginning! Such is the case with the book "A Hole in My Heart," which explores the common characteristics among adult children of divorce. For example, many adult children struggle with problems of self-esteem and have difficulty trusting others; others are fiercely independent and successful. Berman interviewed over 50 adult children of divorce from differing backgrounds and unearthed surprising similarities in their responses as children (and now as adults) to the divorcing process in their families. If your client's parents were divorced, then this book is crucial to her present life-planning because it contains powerful evidence on the patterns of behavior of adult children whose parents divorced that now affect her own divorce and, correspondingly, her children's lives. Also, it gives insight into the effects of different court-ordered contact schedules on children, from the adult child's perspective.
- "Life Strategies" by Phillip C. McGraw, Ph.D., Hyperion, 1999
Dr. Phil first came on the public scene as a regular guest on the Oprah Winfrey show as a pragmatic psychologist with reality-based strategies for resolving relationship conflicts and improving self-accountability. Based upon his 10 "Laws of Life," this book targets each basic principle of life management. It offers a good discussion of forgiveness and identifying self-destructiveness, which anger, hate, and resentment can cause. This interactive book has many assignments that are designed to be life-altering, and it provides introspective work for the reader.
By paying greater attention to our clients' needs for coordinated life-planning during their divorce process, attorneys can help develop a litigation and settlement experience that will result in self-enforcing and more effective outcomes tailored to the family's needs post-divorce.
Clydia Allen Turner is an attorney practicing family law and providing domestic mediation services since 1990 in Maine and New Hampshire. She is also a member of the Maine Court's Task Force on Domestic Violence. She is a frequent lecturer on Guardian ad Litem topics and on family litigation issues.
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